10. Doesn’t have the first clue how to pronounce “Douthit”

 

9. Got an 18 in the Math Placement Test: Okay, time for a little introduction, I’m from Britain. Many moons ago, when I was a lad, the powers that be decided to invent a whole new math project. I learned it, got quite good at it and passed my exams. Then, five years later, the powers decided that they’d been wrong, and they abolished it. So I’m now the proud owner of a wealth of utterly useless knowledge, and I have no clue what is an integer or a factor, and don’t get me started on the equation for the slope of a line.

 

8. Feels like I’m going camping every time I hit campus: how on earth do all you guys and gals manage to do a fistful of classes with a backpack that seems to contain nothing more than a smartphone and a bag of gummies? I have my library, computer, toilet kit, spare laundry, complete stationery set, inflatable mattress and my grandmother’s heirloom dinner crockery. Okay, I’m exaggerating; I never bring spare laundry.

 

7. Wouldn’t be seen dead in a pair of Sperry’s: People, these were boat shoes designed at the beginning of the last century. Has anyone seen a yacht on campus recently?

 

6. Wouldn’t be caught without an umbrella if there’s a cloud in the sky: even if there’s only one, it doesn’t matter. This also goes back to the British thing. No British gentleman would ever go out on the street without his brolly if rain might occur. I mean,it might not occur until some time next month,but still, the brolly will be in hand.

 

5. Gets mistaken for a professor: It’s true, I’m not your ordinary Clemson student. In fact, I believe I’m the second-oldest freshman on campus, so, folks keep asking if I teach. Nope, I’m a grunt just like you.

 

4. Just wants to sleep the whole of Spring Break: Heck, you lot can party to your heart's’ contents. I’m going to be building a tent in my bed and staying there for a week. Now,since we’re on the subject of partying, I compose really gaudy but highly infectious glitter pop. If you want something different on Spring Break, Google ‘Pop Voxx Gilson’ (PV = my act name; Gilson = well, that’s me). You’ll find a site with my music. My favorite is ‘Kisses.’ Don’t worry, you don’t have to like it. I submitted ‘Kisses’ to one of those review services. The absolute best review was from an admitted 14-year old hip-hop aficionado. I can remember it by heart: “This song is rubbish. I just can’t understand why it makes me want to dance, it’s such crap. I would dance. But my friends would laugh at me. I hate this song. I can’t get it out of my head. It’s so bouncy.” Yes!! I’ve invented a whole new form of music called “Stealth Pop.”

 

3. Thinks PresClemClem is a great moniker for our esteemed college president

 

2. Wonders why the aforementioned president keeps allowing new buildings without enough parking spaces

 

1. When walking past Trevor Lawrence, wants to facepalm, scream like a 6-year old girl, jump up and down and ask him to sign his name on my bald spot with a black felt pen: It’s okay. I didn’t, but there’s always next time …

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