2008 Woodie Awards
Horoscopes
By: Imya Future
Issue date: 10/3/08 Section: TimeOut
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Aquarius, you're the Water Bearer. You might want to keep this in mind today when you guzzle down three lattes before heading to that important interview. I suggest investing in rubber underwear.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
According to the stars, this upcoming week is going to be fantastic! Well, except for the failed midterm, being shot down multiple times for a date, and your stolen laptop. On second thought, maybe this week won't be so fantastic…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
A date on Saturday will cause you to search through your closet for the perfect outfit. Sure, the little black dress or button polo is always a nice touch, but I suggest something flame-retardant.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Your roommate has been getting on your last nerve lately, and this will culminate into what you view as a friendly "discussion" on the matter. Just make sure to sleep with one eye open for the rest of the year.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Thursday night, your peers will dare you to swim in the pond in front of Cooper Library. Going through with it will grant you two things: new friends and dysentery.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Your Pisces friend is having a pretty bad week, so cut them a break and go out to dinner with them. So what if they smell?
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
The position of the heavens suggests that today a great business opportunity will present itself when a man in a trench coat pays you to take a package to a dark alleyway. Don't worry about it; this guy seems legit.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Beware of a man who calls himself "Renaldo." I'm serious.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Libra, Mars's alignment with Jupiter fills you with an irrational sense of rage this week. You'll feel better after punching a friend in the face. I'm sensing that this friend's name will begin with an "N."
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
While you may feel like you want to murder your Taurus roommate after the "discussion" the two of you had, I would advise against it. The stars suggest that you wouldn't get away with it, anyhow.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
All Sagittarians are incredibly goal-oriented and intelligent. Except for you, that is. However, your skills in ping-pong are still formidable, so at least you have that going for you!
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You have a really important paper to get done, but I wouldn't worry about it too much. Your professor will give you some extra time after Tuesday's freak bicycle accident.
Aquarius, you're the Water Bearer. You might want to keep this in mind today when you guzzle down three lattes before heading to that important interview. I suggest investing in rubber underwear.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
According to the stars, this upcoming week is going to be fantastic! Well, except for the failed midterm, being shot down multiple times for a date, and your stolen laptop. On second thought, maybe this week won't be so fantastic…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
A date on Saturday will cause you to search through your closet for the perfect outfit. Sure, the little black dress or button polo is always a nice touch, but I suggest something flame-retardant.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Your roommate has been getting on your last nerve lately, and this will culminate into what you view as a friendly "discussion" on the matter. Just make sure to sleep with one eye open for the rest of the year.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Thursday night, your peers will dare you to swim in the pond in front of Cooper Library. Going through with it will grant you two things: new friends and dysentery.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Your Pisces friend is having a pretty bad week, so cut them a break and go out to dinner with them. So what if they smell?
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
The position of the heavens suggests that today a great business opportunity will present itself when a man in a trench coat pays you to take a package to a dark alleyway. Don't worry about it; this guy seems legit.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Beware of a man who calls himself "Renaldo." I'm serious.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Libra, Mars's alignment with Jupiter fills you with an irrational sense of rage this week. You'll feel better after punching a friend in the face. I'm sensing that this friend's name will begin with an "N."
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
While you may feel like you want to murder your Taurus roommate after the "discussion" the two of you had, I would advise against it. The stars suggest that you wouldn't get away with it, anyhow.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
All Sagittarians are incredibly goal-oriented and intelligent. Except for you, that is. However, your skills in ping-pong are still formidable, so at least you have that going for you!
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You have a really important paper to get done, but I wouldn't worry about it too much. Your professor will give you some extra time after Tuesday's freak bicycle accident.
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