2008 Woodie Awards
Horoscopes
By: Cyndi Cameron
Issue date: 9/19/08 Section: TimeOut
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Lately, you feel as though your friends don't take you seriously. Maybe if you stopped wearing such ridiculous-looking clothes, they'd actually listen to what you're talking about. I'm just saying.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
That cute classmate of yours is occupying your thoughts lately. The alignment of Saturn and Pluto suggests that this person feels the same about you and will ask you out very soon! However, Pluto is no longer a planet, so this will never happen. Better luck next time, kid.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Your actions from yesterday are preoccupying your thoughts today. Just make sure you bury the evidence before anyone notices the smell.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The alignment of the stars gives you confidence today! Nothing can bring you down, except maybe that speeding CAT bus. I suggest looking both ways when crossing the street.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Remember that weird mole on your shoulder that looked like W. H. Taft and seemed to change colors? You always meant to get a doctor to look at that, but you never had the time. Well, make time today. Seriously.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
The tarot cards say that your family at home is starting to really grate your nerves. I advise not to let them bother you too much. After all, they put you in their will.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
The phase of the moon make this an excellent week to wear a disguise. Forget CUPD; take the law into your own hands! You'll thank me later when you get the key to the city.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
I sense that your day will start off full of excitement and fun, only to end in apprehension. I also sense that the police will play a role in this.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Today, you will meet a new person. Is that vague enough for you?
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Unfortunately, today is a day like any other. Try not to get too much out of the 24 hours presented to you.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Sagittarians have a tendency to run away quickly when danger is apparent. You should harness this ability sometime around 4 p.m. today.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You will find that bits and pieces of the day will flash before your eyes before you've even seen them! However, this may have less to do with psychic abilities and more with your current love of drinking methanol.
Lately, you feel as though your friends don't take you seriously. Maybe if you stopped wearing such ridiculous-looking clothes, they'd actually listen to what you're talking about. I'm just saying.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
That cute classmate of yours is occupying your thoughts lately. The alignment of Saturn and Pluto suggests that this person feels the same about you and will ask you out very soon! However, Pluto is no longer a planet, so this will never happen. Better luck next time, kid.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Your actions from yesterday are preoccupying your thoughts today. Just make sure you bury the evidence before anyone notices the smell.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The alignment of the stars gives you confidence today! Nothing can bring you down, except maybe that speeding CAT bus. I suggest looking both ways when crossing the street.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Remember that weird mole on your shoulder that looked like W. H. Taft and seemed to change colors? You always meant to get a doctor to look at that, but you never had the time. Well, make time today. Seriously.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
The tarot cards say that your family at home is starting to really grate your nerves. I advise not to let them bother you too much. After all, they put you in their will.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
The phase of the moon make this an excellent week to wear a disguise. Forget CUPD; take the law into your own hands! You'll thank me later when you get the key to the city.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
I sense that your day will start off full of excitement and fun, only to end in apprehension. I also sense that the police will play a role in this.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Today, you will meet a new person. Is that vague enough for you?
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Unfortunately, today is a day like any other. Try not to get too much out of the 24 hours presented to you.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Sagittarians have a tendency to run away quickly when danger is apparent. You should harness this ability sometime around 4 p.m. today.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You will find that bits and pieces of the day will flash before your eyes before you've even seen them! However, this may have less to do with psychic abilities and more with your current love of drinking methanol.
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