2008 Woodie Awards
Slow walker: Texas Ranger
By: Michael Manion
Issue date: 9/5/08 Section: Opinion
Clemson University operates just like a living body. The buildings are its viscera. The students are its blood, transporting knowledge throughout and frequently thinned on Friday, Saturday, sometimes even Thursday nights. The sidewalks, carrying the students, are naturally the veins and arteries. Ladies and Gentlemen, if a heart needs a steady supply of blood, then Clemson University is having a heart attack.
Now a heart attack is normally not something plausible for a campus, or even a non-living thing, but something is blocking the flow of students and I'm too lazy to think of a better analogy. Yes, Clemson University is experiencing angina pectoris, it can't feel its left arm, and its mouth feels like copper. Luckily, amyl nitrates can be used to treat angina pectoris. I'm not saying that 20,000 amyls are necessary, but once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
No, this problem is hopefully much less drug related. They're called "Slow walkers" "People who walk slowly" or even "Canadians." They're people, just like us, who walk excruciatingly slow. They're normally not a problem, but they're in front of you, and your class begins in five minutes.
How does one get trapped in this predicament? The answer was revealed through countless hours of laboratory testing and computer modeling. A combination of hung-over students and early classes mean less time is devoted to commuting. When you take this volatile mix and throw in a slow walker, you get a cake of delicious frustration with rage frosting. As owners of the game "Portal" know, sometimes the cake is a lie, causing anger, confusion and moving platform puzzles involving dimensional wormholes.
One imaginary student had this to say when asked about the problem, "It's like, there's enough space to squeeze through if I tried, but am I really that late?" He added, "I think you're only allowed to push people if you have an exam."
Various tactics have emerged in order to bypass these moving sidewalk sobriety checks. Commonly seen are: "The Side Squeeze," where the walker passes sideways desperately trying not to touch anyone, "The Off-Road Excursion," where no path is too muddy as long as it's clear, and "The Get as Close as Possible in Hope of Someone realizing they are In Your Way," which never works.
Now a heart attack is normally not something plausible for a campus, or even a non-living thing, but something is blocking the flow of students and I'm too lazy to think of a better analogy. Yes, Clemson University is experiencing angina pectoris, it can't feel its left arm, and its mouth feels like copper. Luckily, amyl nitrates can be used to treat angina pectoris. I'm not saying that 20,000 amyls are necessary, but once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
No, this problem is hopefully much less drug related. They're called "Slow walkers" "People who walk slowly" or even "Canadians." They're people, just like us, who walk excruciatingly slow. They're normally not a problem, but they're in front of you, and your class begins in five minutes.
How does one get trapped in this predicament? The answer was revealed through countless hours of laboratory testing and computer modeling. A combination of hung-over students and early classes mean less time is devoted to commuting. When you take this volatile mix and throw in a slow walker, you get a cake of delicious frustration with rage frosting. As owners of the game "Portal" know, sometimes the cake is a lie, causing anger, confusion and moving platform puzzles involving dimensional wormholes.
One imaginary student had this to say when asked about the problem, "It's like, there's enough space to squeeze through if I tried, but am I really that late?" He added, "I think you're only allowed to push people if you have an exam."
Various tactics have emerged in order to bypass these moving sidewalk sobriety checks. Commonly seen are: "The Side Squeeze," where the walker passes sideways desperately trying not to touch anyone, "The Off-Road Excursion," where no path is too muddy as long as it's clear, and "The Get as Close as Possible in Hope of Someone realizing they are In Your Way," which never works.
Be the first to comment on this story