2008 Woodie Awards
Horoscopes
By: Jorge Torrocita
Issue date: 8/29/08 Section: TimeOut
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Watch out for scary people in the first-floor Brackett bathrooms. "Candy" is cheap, and you can get it somewhere else. And didn't your mother ever warn you not to talk to strangers?
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You don't want to forget things at home. Especially your dignity. Next time remember to wear pants.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Be careful not to fall into your old habits this semester. Sleeping until noon is great - unless you have a 9:30 class. Resolve to be a bit more motivated, and you'll go far.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Have great respect for Lifesavers, especially the fruit flavors. They might save your life someday! Or you might use them to save someone else's. And then you'll know "How to Save a Life." I make bad puns, and I like it.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Your luck's about to take a turn for the better so enjoy the next two weeks; they promise to be perfect. Can't say the same for the month after, though.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Don't hate the playa, hate the game.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Never plagiarize, and especially never plagiarize speeches. You might end up with the vice presidential nomination, and who the hell wants that?
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Watch out for the 5-0 Po-Po. They will catch you and slap you down, so keep an alibi in your back pocket. Clemson's finest know who you are, where you live and what you did last summer.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Tornados may be dangerous. Trees may fall, power may fail and people may die. But you still have to go to class. As the top 22 public university, you'd think we'd figure this one out. Apparently not, so just take the tardy and get the notes later.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Your car's safety is in jeopardy this week, due to Enceladus crossing Saturn. But light takes a long time to travel from way out there, so this might be old news.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
There's someone in your Business Law class who wants your body but good. Consider giving it to them! "Do unto others…."
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your skills at provocative text messaging are unmatched, which is something to be proud of. It's a unique talent but one you'll have to use wisely, as those on the receiving end might get hurt falling out of their chairs. "With great power…."
Watch out for scary people in the first-floor Brackett bathrooms. "Candy" is cheap, and you can get it somewhere else. And didn't your mother ever warn you not to talk to strangers?
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You don't want to forget things at home. Especially your dignity. Next time remember to wear pants.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Be careful not to fall into your old habits this semester. Sleeping until noon is great - unless you have a 9:30 class. Resolve to be a bit more motivated, and you'll go far.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Have great respect for Lifesavers, especially the fruit flavors. They might save your life someday! Or you might use them to save someone else's. And then you'll know "How to Save a Life." I make bad puns, and I like it.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Your luck's about to take a turn for the better so enjoy the next two weeks; they promise to be perfect. Can't say the same for the month after, though.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Don't hate the playa, hate the game.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Never plagiarize, and especially never plagiarize speeches. You might end up with the vice presidential nomination, and who the hell wants that?
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Watch out for the 5-0 Po-Po. They will catch you and slap you down, so keep an alibi in your back pocket. Clemson's finest know who you are, where you live and what you did last summer.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Tornados may be dangerous. Trees may fall, power may fail and people may die. But you still have to go to class. As the top 22 public university, you'd think we'd figure this one out. Apparently not, so just take the tardy and get the notes later.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Your car's safety is in jeopardy this week, due to Enceladus crossing Saturn. But light takes a long time to travel from way out there, so this might be old news.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
There's someone in your Business Law class who wants your body but good. Consider giving it to them! "Do unto others…."
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your skills at provocative text messaging are unmatched, which is something to be proud of. It's a unique talent but one you'll have to use wisely, as those on the receiving end might get hurt falling out of their chairs. "With great power…."
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