2008 Woodie Awards
Horoscopes
By: Jorge Torrocita
Issue date: 6/13/08 Section: TimeOut
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Make friends with all your professors even if you don't want to. It's the first step in being able to slack off at the end of the semester. Make them eat out of your hand; it's often easier than you think.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Go to Redfern and stock up on the free condoms, even if you think you won't need or use them. Statistics don't lie, and now that you're at Clemson you're just another statistic. Oh insignificant freshman, go forth and (don't) multiply.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
You're unsure of your major. But at least you have one. If you start out undeclared you won't have another department to demonize and rail against later in life. Trust me, it's fun to have a whipping boy.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
All the stuff of Hollywood college you see on TV and in movies exists - but in different guises that aren't as blatant. It's a caricature. So what you see here is the real deal. The real deal is always better.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Missing class due to a hangover is commonplace. Be unique: go to class drunk - preferably on a presentation day or something of the sort. Tell a professor that stench is rubbing alcohol. He'll understand.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Take Eddie Smith for COMM 150. It's like going to a comedian once a week, except you get Gen. Ed. credit too. Sweet deal.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Exempting finals is a way of life; do so whenever possible.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Now's your chance to not be one any longer. Just open your legs behind closed doors, please. No one wants to see that in public.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Football is awesome. Learn this if you don't already know. It's a mandatory part of the lifestyle, so just go with it even if you don't like it. The Tiger's sports section is a good place to start (shameless plug).
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Go Greek only if you're really sure you should. Their life of brotherhood and fellowship is offset by many other things, all of which you've already heard about. Think carefully.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
I hope you're a little masochistic, because that 8 a.m. calculus class you just scheduled is going to be the bane of your existence come October. In high school it might not have been so bad, but things change. You'll regret it.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You'll run out of cash for laundry because you'll blow it all on booze, weed and late nights at Taco Bell. Oh well, no one cares about clean clothes anyway. Welcome to college.
Make friends with all your professors even if you don't want to. It's the first step in being able to slack off at the end of the semester. Make them eat out of your hand; it's often easier than you think.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Go to Redfern and stock up on the free condoms, even if you think you won't need or use them. Statistics don't lie, and now that you're at Clemson you're just another statistic. Oh insignificant freshman, go forth and (don't) multiply.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
You're unsure of your major. But at least you have one. If you start out undeclared you won't have another department to demonize and rail against later in life. Trust me, it's fun to have a whipping boy.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
All the stuff of Hollywood college you see on TV and in movies exists - but in different guises that aren't as blatant. It's a caricature. So what you see here is the real deal. The real deal is always better.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Missing class due to a hangover is commonplace. Be unique: go to class drunk - preferably on a presentation day or something of the sort. Tell a professor that stench is rubbing alcohol. He'll understand.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Take Eddie Smith for COMM 150. It's like going to a comedian once a week, except you get Gen. Ed. credit too. Sweet deal.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Exempting finals is a way of life; do so whenever possible.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Now's your chance to not be one any longer. Just open your legs behind closed doors, please. No one wants to see that in public.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Football is awesome. Learn this if you don't already know. It's a mandatory part of the lifestyle, so just go with it even if you don't like it. The Tiger's sports section is a good place to start (shameless plug).
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Go Greek only if you're really sure you should. Their life of brotherhood and fellowship is offset by many other things, all of which you've already heard about. Think carefully.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
I hope you're a little masochistic, because that 8 a.m. calculus class you just scheduled is going to be the bane of your existence come October. In high school it might not have been so bad, but things change. You'll regret it.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You'll run out of cash for laundry because you'll blow it all on booze, weed and late nights at Taco Bell. Oh well, no one cares about clean clothes anyway. Welcome to college.
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